The 18th Letter

Out of all 26 letters in the alphabet, the only letter that grinds my gears worse than a rusted cabin door, highly in need of a WD-40 spray down, is the letter R. You're probably scratching your chin and pondering to yourself, like Curious George ponders about the mystery behind "The Man with the Yellow Hat." Well keep on scratching, because this is going to itch like you've got ants in your pants.

I dislike the letter R simply because it stole P's form faster than you could butt in front of the line-leader in Kindergarten. Did R honestly think it was fooling anybody by disguising itself with a mere diagonal line? I'm no freak with a protractor, but I can see a falsified angle when I see one.

Hey Q, if you are reading this, don't think you are going to get away without a bashing. You know damn well that you were lazier than a Lazyboy recliner when you had that con-artist-like idea to use the same diagonal line that R used in it's thievery of P's formation. If O butted in front of P to kick the living shit out of Q, I wouldn't even consider jumping to Q's safety the way Paul Bearer did so many times for The Undertaker. Let's face it, Q and R, you both deserve to get duct taped to your locker and pounded with rotten vegetables by The Rocket, Steroid Clemens.

The letter R represents this guest entry post like the letter B represents steroids. Hello Barry.

Her name is Rachel and she is the care taker of a buck-wild Miniature German Schnauzer named Nibbler. She also serves as my elder brothers girlfriend, like Geoffrey serves as the Banks Family butler.

Rachel will now share some of her thoughts, which I find to be slightly more stimulating than a tour of the Butterfly exhibit at the Academy of Natural Sciences. It's located in Philadelphia, if you're interested in museums that couldn't force a mummy to stay still. (That's the Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, not Mississippi).

Following her attempt to brain wash you, I will briefly share my thoughts, which will most likely force you to agree with my dislike of the letter R.

Rachel Says:

As a news producer, every so often there is a story that just jumps out, slaps me across the face, and screams "WRITE ABOUT ME!!" But, alas, I am a local news producer, so stories not related to New York City's five boroughs just have to be passed by, like grape Jolly Ranchers.

Today, that story was about a daycare in Arkansas that accidentally gave children windshield wiper fluid instead of Kool-Aid. First off, who gives energetic kids Kool-Aid? If you give them any sugary drinks, isn't it supposed to be Sunny D? At least it LOOKS like orange juice. Secondly, why was windshield wiper fluid in the fridge?

Turns out, children can spot the difference between the two fluids – the kids complained after drinking about an ounce. That was enough to send all of them to the hospital, leaving one with levels high enough to induce comas and blindness.

All I can say is, despite some rockin' music coming out of Kansas band, famed neighboring state and kick ass rock group for the past 36 years, I am never going to move to Arkansas.

Back to Dan:

Well said Rachel. I suggest you change your name to Pachel really quick, then come back and read the final paragraph. I'll wait for you...

Was Arkansas totally out of line for stealing the name of Kansas and simply adding an "Ar"? Does anybody else smell what I'm cooking here? "Ar" and "R". ARE you kidding me? The lack of originality is making me want to butt in front of line at the Campbell Soup factory and drown all of the R's in windshield wiper fluid. I sure hope I don't see a pirate on my way there.

The 11 Second Shot Clock

Every Wilbon has its Kornheiser. My Kornheiser, aka Brother, who has asked to be referred to as “Dubaku” from here on out, will now help melt the ice with this mind boggling interview, where I will ask him eleven relatively important questions regarding sports, sports and more sports.

Lucky for you, and because of my love for numbers, letters and punctuation, I will share a twinkle of my brilliance on said questions following his nonsense-filled responses. Prior to reading, I suggest you take a sip of water and clear your medulla oblongata. The following information will need 100% focus to fully understand the immortal hypocrisy which borders the monumental 75 show streak that Ken Jennings exhibited on Jeopardy.

Side note: When I asked him why he wished to be referred to as Dubaku, he simply stated, with a straight face and one flared eyebrow, imitating The Rock, “It’s in the mirrors.” Well, as the French say, “Touché, mate.”

So, without Freddy Adu, enjoy.

1. Who is your MVP, Kobe or LeBron?

Dubaku: Since this question is limited to just those two and not CP3, D-Wade, Superman or Zaza Pachulia, I’m going to go with LBJ. Mainly because of his resemblance to the other LBJ, #36. The King also does more for his team, while Kobe is surrounded by greater talent. I can’t remember the last time I thought the East was better than the West; and I still don’t, especially after the All Star game whopping. Since LeBron has his team playing well, with an almost identical record to the Lakers, I give him the edge over Kobe. But let this be heard, this race is closer than a Tony Danza vs. Sylvester Stallone pronunciation contest.

Dan T.: One word, “Mo Williams.” Mo, if you’re reading this, please accept my apology on behalf of my brother, Dubaku. His obsession with the colors yellow and purple must be worse than we had previously suspected. In 51 games this season, Mo is averaging 17 points per game and 4 assists, along with 40% from 3 point land and 93% from the free throw stripe. If anybody is hauling a bag of 3-D Doritos around the court with him, it’s Kobe, not LBJ. Not to mention, “The Beast from the Middle East” Zydrunas Ilgauskas and “Afroman” Ben Wallace, who surely do not hurt your teams hopes.

Kobe takes the boat if the race is only between these two Jordan hopefuls. Nevertheless, neither deserves MVP as much as Kevin Garnett. His “Anything is possible!” rant after last years championship clincher was so touching that I have already awarded him MVP for the next five seasons. It’s surely a bummer that my vote for MVP carries less weight than a bag full of nothing.

2. What is your ultimate fantasy wrestling match?

Dubaku: A tag team match between LeBron and Kid LeBron, vs. Anfernee Hardaway and Little Penny. No explanation needed, as this match would attract more fans than a Backstreet Boys and Nsync sing-a-long, guest staring O-Town and 98 degrees.

Dan T.: Props to Little Penny; he took full advantage of his 15 minutes of fame. I’d take LBJ and Kid to dominate that match, like a mixture of Lance Armstrong, steroids and the color yellow in his rout of the Tour de France.

Bare with me and picture this treasured fantasy: A Royal Rumble match consisting of the cast from Family Matters, Chaz Finster, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Gordon Bombay (as a coach, not a player), Charlie Conway and Adam Banks from Mighty Ducks, Stan Van Gundy, Tim Riggins and Smash Williams from Friday Night Lights, Ben and Fred Savage, Pedro Martinez, Don Zimmer, Sam Cassell, the Lopez Twins, William Perry and Gisele Bundchen. Okay, you can breath now.

That’s just flat out surreal like the time I met Kelly Kapowski and told her, “Lose the zero (Zack) and come with the hero (me).” I’ll let you decide on a winner without my analysis, which probably wouldn’t make much sense anyway.

3. What is your favorite nickname in all of sports?

Dubaku: My two favorite nicknames are Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta” Delhomme and Jake “Daylight Come and You Gotta Throw to Steve Smith.” It’s just so fitting. I’m also a fan of “Parsley Sage Rosenfels and Tine.” Some other greats are “CP3” and Jimmy “Super-fly” Snuka, which obviously needs no explanation.

Dan T.: Delhomme’s nicknames are pretty solid, like anything that comes out of Boomer’s mouth. But if we’re ranking nicknames for guys named Jake, then nothing will ever top Jake “the Snake.”

CP3 is self explanatory, so I don’t rank that high up there on the depth chart of nicknames. A good nickname, to me, is a name that adds an image and flavor, while continuing to leave us guessing at what this creature will do next on their platform.

The top three on my list are “Refrigerator” William Perry. That man single handedly created laughter from the joke, “Is your refrigerator running?” “The Round Mound of Rebound” is also a classic. Charles Barkley earned that nickname with his attack on the boards. Lately, however, he has earned other nicknames such as “Dumb Ass” and “The Round Mound of Drinking and Driving.” Lastly, and not only because he’s on my fantasy football keeper league team, but also because he is a freak of nature and will soon begin to shatter records like mirrors are shattered when looked at by guys like Sam Cassell, Adam Morrison, Andrei Kirilenko and all the other members of the “All NBA Ugly Squad.” I’m speaking of “Purple Jesus,” Adrian Peterson. Say what you will, but this man has got it going on like Ari Gold.

4. Who is your favorite ESPN analyst?

Dubaku: Chris Berman. Not only because of his amazing ability to assign nicknames like a 3rd grade school teacher, but also his ability to paint the perfect picture for you. Not to mention the classic YouTube moment that features Berman throwing a temper tantrum when someone walked by him during his broadcast. If you didn’t fall more in love with him while watching that, then go to Canada and join the other fan of curling.

Dan T.: Berman is great, I do not disagree. However, Erin Andrews takes the triple layered chocolate cake here like a flock of birds takes craps my car in the summer. No explanation necessary, this woman has got it going on.

5. Which current NBA young star, Politician and Female Movie Star would you like to play a game of H-O-R-S-E with?

Dubaku: Thaddeus Young, President Obama and a toss up between Mila Kunis and Elisha Cuthbert.

Dan T.: Why Thaddeus? I don’t get it. Probably some kind of weird fascination with guys who wear the number 21. Who’s next? Tim Duncan? Weirdo. I agree with Obama and your female selections, but only if the game can take place in the White House.

My power forward selection is Kevin Durant because of the lucky performance he had at the All Star game H-O-R-S-E competition. Nobody tosses up half court shorts at ease like that and gets away with it, in my heart. So I’d like to press my luck with Durant, and hope for no whammys, no whammys, no whammys and stop!

6. Which NASCAR driver would you like to ride 250 laps with?

Dubaku: This is easier to answer than a True/False quiz about things that, well, are not true. The #16 3M Ford Fusion, driven Mr. Greg Biffle. I have so many questions to ask him, mostly relating to his last name; Biffle. For instance, whether or not he enjoys playing Wiffle Ball? But for some reason, the name always reminds me of Biff from Back to the Future. They don’t really look much alike, but I just can’t help myself from smiling when I think of either of them.

Dan T.: Biffle is a stud, but I’ve got to take a ride with Juan Pablo Montoya and see what goes on in that man’s head during the race. Time after time, he is driving other cars off the road, like he’s straight out of Mexico with a vengeance to kill. Wait a second; he is.

7. What is your favorite moment in sports history?

Dubaku: That would be the only time I have seen a major Philadelphia team win a championship. Your 2008 World Champion, Phillies. Some close runner-ups would be seeing Iverson, in his rookie year, cross over Jordan. Seeing Lex Lugar body slam Yokazuna was also something to write home about. Finally, that one time I won a four team baseball parlay; that never happens. It’s a shame I only had $5 on it to win $30, which I lost that same night playing the .05/.10 poker table.

Dan T.: “The 0-2 pitch - swing a miss, stuck him out! The Philadelphia Phillies are 2008 World Champions of Baseball! Brad Lidge does it again, and stays perfect for the 2008 season! 48 for 48 in save opportunities, and watch the city celebrate.”

8. If you could wear the shoes of any athlete, past or present, for 1 full day, who would it be?

Dubaku: Surely, I’d want to wear the shoes of Shaquille O’Neal aka Shaqovich or Shaqistotle. How does a human being wear size 24 sneaks? I’m taking this question literally and not figuratively, because I feel as if there’s lots I could do wearing somebody else's shoes for a day and I’d like to enjoy the fantasy while I can. Come to think of it, I could probably fit my entire body into one of his shoes. Although, they probably smell like 3 month old spoiled coconut.

Dan T.: Agreed, lots of fun could be had in Shaq’s sneakers. But lets take a deeper look at this. If I put on Tom Brady’s sneakers, will I get to go home with Gisele? Hey Al Bundy, I’d like to try that one on for size.

9. Now that you’re wearing this persons shoes, what would you do in those 24 hours?

Dubaku: I would do all sorts of fun things. First and foremost, I’d try to walk. That probably wont work too well, seeing as though my size 10’s might not have the strength to get that boot in the air. If I am able to pull off a Neil Armstrong like step or two, I would like to try my hand at some free-throws. I’ve always believed the reason Shaq can’t shoot free-throws well is because of his enormous feet. With his toes on the line, he loses much more distance than the likes of Nate Robinson or Dana Barros. After walking and free-throw shooting, I’d like to slip into a nice Shaqadillic outfit and hit to local arcade for some skee-ball. I’d hit that 10,000 point slot more times than a Tyson combo and donate all my winning tickets to a young group of hoodlums so they can buy rub on tattoos and act-a-fool.

Dan T.: Dubaku nailed that answer. If steps were to be had in the shoes of the Shaqinator, then fun is right around the corner. I’d be sure to challenge Doug Funnie in a race.

If I can swivel my way into the boots of Tom Brady, however, then I’m heading home faster than a senior citizen trying to catch the early bird, and checking into the Gisele Hotel for some good times with the richest supermodel in the world. I’m sure she has her eyes glued on Tom’s feet at all times, so she wont have any idea that it’s me, Dan T., not Brady. (That rhymed, ha!)

10. What is the most insane superstition you have ever heard of an athlete doing before game time?

Dubaku: LeBron listening to “Time After Time” by Cindi Lauper before games. I saw it on a commercial, so it must be true. Another cracked-out superstition is Jason Terry wearing the team shorts of an opponent the day before each game. What a weirdo.

Dan T.: Superstition, or not, Stone Cold chugs a beer before every match; which I find completely moronic, like that year when I was hooked on washing my hair in the bathroom sink before every one of my basketball games. Then again, when your 17 and have a huge white-boy afro, there are other issues that deserve much more thought.

11. How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?

Dubaku: I’m for em. And I’m not even in the club.

Dan T.: Well said, Dubaku.

That completes Round 1 of, what I like to call, “The 11 Second Shot Clock.” I hope that you found this bundle of wisdom and wit to be more valuable than an episode of The Reading Rainbow with LeVar Burton. Feel free to present these same questions to your friends, family or co-workers for some light-hearted entertainment and possibly a bit of soul searching. Until next time, my friends.

Scott Hartnell: It's Not The Hair

A giraffe once said, “I couldn’t win a limbo contest if you chopped my neck in half and tied my legs together!” This reminds me of a friend of mine. Except this friend is not really a friend. In fact, he’s Scott Hartnell, #19 of the Philadelphia Flyers; And I guarantee he has no idea that I even exist. Regardless, Scott reminds me of a giraffe trying to, not only win a limbo contest, but simply participate and be respected in one. We’re not talking about a legit, full-fledged, league play in the National Limbo Association. A simple Bar-Mitzvah limbo contest run by D.J. Moshe will do just fine in this comparison that is sure to tickle your fancy like Elmo in the mid-90’s. Imagine that, a giraffe at a Bar-Mitzvah doing the limbo with D.J. Moshe and a bunch of crackling-voiced 13 year-olds. That’s a more ironic sight than Alanis Morissette having ten thousand spoons when all she needs is a knife. Don’t you think?

How in the world does a giraffe in a limbo contest relate to Scott Hartnell you ask? Read on, my friend. Scott Hartnell on a breakaway is uglier than Betty. Is it the hair? Is it his wife? What causes him to stumble down the ice like a 4 year old, with a dirty diaper, learning how to skate? This is a mind-boggler that I’ll leave for someone else to answer. Jeeves? Google?

The bottom line is, and you can ask Stone Cold Steve Austin, a giraffe in a limbo contest is about as successful as Scott Hartnell on a breakaway. Flyers fans, however, love when it happens, because we know Mr. Carter is right behind, ready to clean up the garbage with a shot to the likes of Jeff Gordon coming down the stretch. And as we are all aware, at the end of the day, nobody throws a glove at a guy better than my friend, Scott Hartnell.