The 18th Letter

Out of all 26 letters in the alphabet, the only letter that grinds my gears worse than a rusted cabin door, highly in need of a WD-40 spray down, is the letter R. You're probably scratching your chin and pondering to yourself, like Curious George ponders about the mystery behind "The Man with the Yellow Hat." Well keep on scratching, because this is going to itch like you've got ants in your pants.

I dislike the letter R simply because it stole P's form faster than you could butt in front of the line-leader in Kindergarten. Did R honestly think it was fooling anybody by disguising itself with a mere diagonal line? I'm no freak with a protractor, but I can see a falsified angle when I see one.

Hey Q, if you are reading this, don't think you are going to get away without a bashing. You know damn well that you were lazier than a Lazyboy recliner when you had that con-artist-like idea to use the same diagonal line that R used in it's thievery of P's formation. If O butted in front of P to kick the living shit out of Q, I wouldn't even consider jumping to Q's safety the way Paul Bearer did so many times for The Undertaker. Let's face it, Q and R, you both deserve to get duct taped to your locker and pounded with rotten vegetables by The Rocket, Steroid Clemens.

The letter R represents this guest entry post like the letter B represents steroids. Hello Barry.

Her name is Rachel and she is the care taker of a buck-wild Miniature German Schnauzer named Nibbler. She also serves as my elder brothers girlfriend, like Geoffrey serves as the Banks Family butler.

Rachel will now share some of her thoughts, which I find to be slightly more stimulating than a tour of the Butterfly exhibit at the Academy of Natural Sciences. It's located in Philadelphia, if you're interested in museums that couldn't force a mummy to stay still. (That's the Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, not Mississippi).

Following her attempt to brain wash you, I will briefly share my thoughts, which will most likely force you to agree with my dislike of the letter R.

Rachel Says:

As a news producer, every so often there is a story that just jumps out, slaps me across the face, and screams "WRITE ABOUT ME!!" But, alas, I am a local news producer, so stories not related to New York City's five boroughs just have to be passed by, like grape Jolly Ranchers.

Today, that story was about a daycare in Arkansas that accidentally gave children windshield wiper fluid instead of Kool-Aid. First off, who gives energetic kids Kool-Aid? If you give them any sugary drinks, isn't it supposed to be Sunny D? At least it LOOKS like orange juice. Secondly, why was windshield wiper fluid in the fridge?

Turns out, children can spot the difference between the two fluids – the kids complained after drinking about an ounce. That was enough to send all of them to the hospital, leaving one with levels high enough to induce comas and blindness.

All I can say is, despite some rockin' music coming out of Kansas band, famed neighboring state and kick ass rock group for the past 36 years, I am never going to move to Arkansas.

Back to Dan:

Well said Rachel. I suggest you change your name to Pachel really quick, then come back and read the final paragraph. I'll wait for you...

Was Arkansas totally out of line for stealing the name of Kansas and simply adding an "Ar"? Does anybody else smell what I'm cooking here? "Ar" and "R". ARE you kidding me? The lack of originality is making me want to butt in front of line at the Campbell Soup factory and drown all of the R's in windshield wiper fluid. I sure hope I don't see a pirate on my way there.