Manute Bol

Imagine this, Manute Bol, a freakish 7'6" of pure bone and skin galloping down the court like Smarty Jones galloped into our hearts in 2004. The man looks like a starved version of a bulimic light post. Hailing from the most unpopular vacation spot in the world, Sudan, Manute Bol towered his way into the NBA with the Washington Bullets (now known as the Wizards), late in the 2nd Round of the 1985 NBA draft.

Like a true wizard, Manute spent the next 10 years absolutely dominating the NBA the way Muggsy Bogues dominated a tall person contest. Get it? Manute's Warrior like attitude on the court came second to his Sudan Charity giving. The man gave back millions of dollars off the court and millions of laughs on the court. Laugh with me as we travel back in time and relive the memory of the man who's torso to legs ratio is more shocking than the candy that made Willy Wonka look like the Einstein of the 20th century.

During Manute's short 3 year tenure with the 76ers, a good buddy of mine, who's father owned court-side seats, invited me to a game. After laughing at the "Special Blessing" (Manute's self proclaimed nickname) for 4 quarters, we pranced on over to the player tunnel, hoping to obtain a sweaty headband or a high five. As Manute strolled by after another stellar performance, I said, "Hey Manute, you couldn't dunk on a Little Tikes Easy Score set!" (I didn't really say that, but thinking back, I should have). I actually didn't say anything, just nonchalantly stuck out my hand for one of those sneak attacks where you pull your hand away just before the slap occurs, then point and laugh at the guy because he was too slow. Manute knew what was in store and decided to give me one of those "Talk to the hand cause the face don't understand" acts. That's right! Manute jacked his sweaty palm into my face like a Mark Summers Pie in the face on "What Would You Do?" That night ended in a mixture of laughter, tears and 45 minutes of washing my face, as if I were a Bozo the Clown impersonator who accidentally used nonwashable markers as facepaint. Time for some sweet revenge Manute. I'm about to bash you like Dean Portman and Fulton Reed took care of business in Mighty Ducks 2. If you are reading this, Manute, you probably would have been more successful as a boxer, horse jockey or rock star than you were on the basketball court. But I'll leave that decision up to the judges. Thank you Simon, Paula and Randy.

Since that day, I've had it out for the man who ended his 10 year career with only 2,647 rebounds. He was 7'6" and only had 2,647 rebounds in 10 years. That's 264.7 rebounds per season. Divide that by 82 games a year and he pulled down a glorious 3.2 rebounds per game. Granted, the guy probably missed a fair amount of games like Shaun Livingston did after he practically snapped his leg in half. The thought of those weak knees that Manute protected with kneedpads larger than pillows, being able to hold 220 pounds of flesh day in and day out is about as unrealistic as Barry hitting 762* career homeruns without the juice. Hey A-Rod, if you are reading this, let me be the 1st (or millionth) to tell you that the asterisk is on it's way to New York and will arrive at the new Yankee Stadium in time for opening day.

Some would argue that Manute Bol was not actually a human, but a walking, talking, shot blocking broomstick. That statement, however, is about as true as GWB being a good public speaker. Over 10 seasons, Manute racked up a monumental 2,086 blocked shots. Remember, this gigantic sized pencil frame was 7'6" tall and should have blocked more shots than Eddie the Eagle and Saint Patrick Roy. Don't get me wrong, sitting 13th overall on the all time shot block list is something to write home about, but a 7'6" freak should be blocking shots left and right, quicker than a Tyson Combo. All in all, Manute led a pretty successful career, with about as much potential as Russ Tyler's knucklepuck popularizing itself in the NHL. Zdeno Chara's 105.4 MPH slapshot would make the knucklepuck look like a Chet Steadman fastball.

Claiming the rights as the tallest man to suck at basketball is about as hip and cool as Screech Powers at Bayside High School. Mr. Belding would dunk on Manute, give Zach Morris detention and sleep with Kelly Kapowski quicker than Manute Bol would stand a chance at the Hall of Fame, or even an All Star game. Manute, however, has a kind soul like Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover. He has spent much of his overpaid salary giving back to his homeland of Sudan. He has given about $3.5 million to the "Ring True Foundation", a charity that he established to help fundraising for Sudanese refugees. Manute Bol deserves the Nobel Peace Prize like the Philadelphia Eagles deserve a Super Bowl ring.

Manute spent some time in 2004 recovering from a car accident where he broke his neck when his taxi driver hit a guardrail and overturned. How he fit himself into the backseat of a taxi is about as interesting as how Obama plans to bring our country out of a recession. Some questions are better off left alone, like what happened to the mischievous Kevin McCallister we fell in love with. Kevin's slick rick attitude against the Wet Bandits was about as clever as Bret The Hitman Hart proclaiming his finishing move as the Sharpshooter. Any man who can pull off wearing pink tights is worthy of a tribute, like Urkel was worthy of a date with Laura.

Big L (RIP), was an Underground hiphop artist who rapped, "And every time I'm jammed, I always find a loop hole. I got a crime record longer than Manute Bol." Big L claimed to have a crime record 7'6" long and he was finding loop holes to stay bright on the streets like a lite-brite. Manute Bol should consider tossing some of that Sudanese charity money, that he so dearly earned during his NBA career, to put punks with crime records like Big L in jail with dog lover Michael Vick.

Until Shawn Bradley, Gheorghe Muresan and Yao Ming joined Manute Bol on the "I'm tall, so I play basketball" list, Manute was outcasted like the fat kid in gym class. Thanks to screwed up DNA, our world has been blessed with a number of gargantuan people who have been given the ability to tie their shoes and stand straight with their hands up in the air, like a pencil dive off the high board. Like the famous little league quote goes, "You can't teach height." This is about as true as Hulk Hogan wrecking havoc on Rick Flair in a 1994 Steel Cage Match. Manute and his oversized compadres changed the face of the NBA like Flava Flav changed the art of reality television. Manute is lucky that I didn't chase him down the tunnel and lock him up in the sharpshooter after he pulled that hand in the face antic on me. Seriously.