Wax on... Wax off...

"Man who catch fly with chopstick, accomplish anything" - Mr. Miyagi

The Karate Kid is a helluva boy, aint he? Watch him pose on that wooden block, balancing on one foot, ready to kick the face off of a pigeon. Arms hanging off to his side, flexing like Hulk Hogan after he drops the legendary, 600 pound Yokozuna. To wax on and wax off with such physique and composure is an accomplishment of the equivalence that which Tom Brady has become accustomed to. I'm talking about supermodel fiancee, Giselle Bundchen, not his 3 Super Bowl rings. Although, 3 Super Bowl rings is 3 more than my man McNabb has gotten his hands on. Ouch! His drop kick is so lethal that Chuck Norris cried and Bill Cowher had to retire his under-biting chin back to the streets of Pittsburgh. Mr. Miyagi changed the face of the art we call Karate with one slip of the tongue. As he is approached by the Karate Kid, time after time, his wisdom is made clear like pepsi from the 90's. Allow me to interpret this quote which made us scratch our chins, as if we were duct taped to our locker with no analogical explanation. On that note, is "Duct" not one of the most difficult words to pronounce? What's up with the oddly placed "T"? I think we need to reconsider the possibility of sharing the word duck. The ducks didn't mind it when Gordon Bombay transformed District 5 into a winner. Why not give it a shot, Mr. Ducksworth? But I digress... back to the quote that changed my life like steroids changed Barry in 2001.

Lace up your skates, put on your literary thinking cap and hush up as I break down this quote using more analogies than frolicals in the unibrow sported by Ravens gunslinger, Joe Flacco. Edgar Allen Poe would turn in his grave if he knew his cherished Raven was being represented by a man who looks like a clone of Eddie Munster and Mindy's buddy Mork.

The fly, which Mr. Miyagi speaks of in this show of brilliance is an object of life which rattles our weekly go-around. Think about a moment in life that has shook your mind like a tilt-a-whirl. Have you recently ended a long, heartfelt relationship causing a bit of corruption like an 8.0 Richter scale earthquake? Have you lost your job due to the global warming infestation we call a recession? Thanks a lot Al Gore. Are you down in the dumps because you have nappy hair like Cory Matthews? You get the point. So this fly, which we can't seem to deflate, is a haunting black cloud hovering over us like Harry Potter and his golden snitch. We try to pop this fly by jabbing it with uppercuts, roundabouts and full fledged star punches from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Those star punches, also known as chopsticks, are what we use to end this streak of gloom. The chopsticks are the positive things in our life that we use to overcome our shenanigans. Maybe you just received a bonus at work and your boss took you out to do Jager-bombs. Maybe you just met a fine woman at Starbucks, while sipping your Iced Latte and writing in your diary the way Doug Funny tortured Porkchop for all those years. Maybe you're having a good hair day like Uncle Jesse. Whatever it may be, these positive, joyful moments are chopsticks that we use to catch that nasty fly, haunting our souls like green Ecto-Cooler Hi-C haunts my dreams. Why did they stop making that stuff? I drank it, as I'm sure you did, like it was going out of style. Without that drink, Elementary School lunch time would have been full of nasty lunch ladies, floppy hot dogs and stale chocolate milk cartons.

To recap this nonsense, Cory Matthews, Mr. Miyagi and Ecto-Cooler, along with you, me and Uncle Jesse can all appreciate the valuable things in life like Lil' Wayne appreciates his platinum grill. Focus on that fly, hold your chopsticks tight and, my friend, you will see success. If that doesn't work, kick somebody in the face with a roundabout and you'll feel much better. It worked for Chuck Norris.